My life has fallen into a routine for the first time in 3 years and with that I have made the decision to start back to the gym. A few years ago I started lifting 4 – 5 times a week and I loved it, but the appearance of muscle and the weight that went with it scared me off. I quickly fell back into counting calories and doing cardio before moving to Belfast and giving up entirely due to a lack of free time. I pushed myself in my studies instead, never stopping to look at myself.
Even though I didn’t count calories or restrict or even exercise my body didn’t change that much. Looking at it now I can see that my body has probably hit it’s set point, that little thing I go on about sometimes. That being the case I have shipped myself back off to the gym at a casual 3 days a week to keep myself active if nothing else. I have no doubt that this will eventually become a more regular thing, with me marching in as much as 5 nights a week.
But why am I there? I don’t even know yet.
What am I looking to achieve? I have no way of measure change if change does in fact happen. Weighing is out of the question and it takes every ounce of bone in my body to pull myself away from the scales in the women’s changing area each time I walk by them. A tape measure may trigger the same response. So, how does one measure body composition while in recovery without tripping some sort of ‘oh shit, you need to restrict’ alarm?
I would apprechiate a chime in at any point to help this wayward solider out because I really, really want to give the gym a good go and actually enjoy it like I used to. I want to lift more than 5kg above my head without feeling like I’ve gone 4 rounds with a professional boxer. I want to wake up in the morning, sore and aching, and actually see the changes it’s doing.
We look at our selves day in and day out, as do our partners, therefore we’ll not see the changes as they present themselves. So there has to be another way that won’t open the flood gates of eating disorder hell.
For now I’m making do with a journal detailing my food intake (warning) and my output (WARNING) which isn’t good for the likes of myself either.
I may like organisation and structure, the OCD comes with the eating disorder territory, but some of these habits are raising the alarm and I sure as hell don’t want to go back into that burning building.